Thursday, March 2, 2017

Some thoughts about family (and how it shapes who we are...)

Few points that I and my group mate of Feng Yi Liang's workshop jotted these down after the fruitful talk by him at Chung Ling High School. This was his first talk in Penang for 2017.

credit: 馮以量

1. No man is an island (John Donne, 1624), every human being needs another human being to survive because we get love, respect, dignity from relationship.
2. Palliative needs care but care doesn't need to wait until palliative moment. Words such as "I love you", "I am sorry", "Thank you" do not have to be kept until that moment.
3. There are 4 unseen elements behind every individual: relationship, power, responsibility and family of origin.
4. A child can belong to father, mother, parents, other significant other, thing or self.
5. Everyone is balancing between love and freedom. Too much love is suffocating while too much freedom causes anxiety.
6. The more flexibility and freedom there is between family members, the easier responsibility is divided. There are usual 4 zones of responsibility, husband, wife, shared among couples or outsider (e.g. maid).
7. You will try to get love from where you lost it.
8. No body can control all relationship in a family. If a relationship is not belong to you and respective member, you can't do anything about it (e.g. we as our parents' child, cannot change how our father and mother relates themselves.
9. Most parents will give their best for their children, no one will harm the children, it is just the matter of effective the parents are in loving their children. If they do harm unto us, chances are they haven't learned a better way to treat us or perhaps the way of parenting served a purpose, like protecting their own parents.
10. The relationship between me and myself is important.
11. Family dynamic: relationship = in or out, power = high or low, responsibility = near or far
12. Whenever we face problems, we tend to express sadness or madness. Chinese cultures reinforce anger but discourage sadness expression for men, conversely for the women. Those children who were allowed to express themselves freely are fortunate. If a child is not given opportunity to express itself, we need to care about him/her, or else this will cause depression, suicide or homicide.
13. Bless those family members who hurt us before, release them from our grudge, write a letter for them (even though s/he may no longer alive). Bless and forgive them, if you may, to bless ourselves, too.
14. We may not forgive those who hurt us but we can try to bless them.
15. Filial child may be the child who can't be himself and tends to be problematic.
16. Don't constantly victimize ourselves.
17. Family of origin determines one' life, unless they decide not to repeat those unhealthy one.
18. Best gift from parents to children, stable marriage. Best gift from children to parents, take good care of ourselves.
19. Right or wrong, leave it to the court, family talks about love!
20. Once we determine our past, we can choose not to repeat our parents' mistakes.
21. Don't lock a child in a fixated position, be vary with your ways to manage conflicts, if you cannot have a congruent family.
22. Family is like a group of gears that form a machine, no body stay intact when there is a gear went wrong.
23. A child will either emulate their parents' behavior or rectify them.

These are the translated points from:
Click that link if you can read Chinese. =)

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